Mother: A Brief Job Description

Two days ago, our morning was a fiasco.  One of my children could not get out of her own way and was almost thirty minutes late to school.  I flew her into the parking lot on the broom I had parked in the corner of my kitchen, and came home to sulk and guzzle down the rest of my coffee alone.  The whole day downward spiraled from there, and I felt tired and irritated until bed time.  I thought back on a conversation I’ve had many times, and it’s a topic that comes up frequently for we suburban moms who are home full-time.  I like to call it the “So, do you work?” discussion.   It has left me thinking that I really should write up a brief job description for my position, you know just because I’m home all day and I have nothing else I really need to get done. Here goes:

JOB DESCRIPTION: Seeking strong candidate with leadership capabilities to run busy household.  Hours totally unpredictable. Exceptional organizational skills required and ability to multi-task on ongoing basis.   Ideal candidate will have theater experience to prepare them for the inevitable drama or necessary improv this role may require at times.  Must be totally flexible, and love spending time in the car.  Evening work may include travel to sports venues, attending girl scout functions, or watching play rehearsals.  Short order chef skills a plus.  All candidates with experience as indentured servants will have preference.  Must love children.

REQUIREMENTS: Must be available for life.  Must be prepared to deal with the constant emotional roller coaster of childhood and teenage years.  Must be fine with being told you are weird, hated, and the worst person ever to exist.  Must not embarrass employers.  Must love hugs, kisses, and being told you are great from time to time.  Must be able to be able to operate small machinery such as glue guns, irons, vacuum cleaners, and household appliances.  Must be fine with small repairs such as but not limited to sewing on buttons, removing gum from hair, and inflating bike tires.  Must be fine with basic healthcare tasks such as but not limited to splinter removal, temperature taking, lice checks, tick removal, and wound care.  Must have physical endurance to carry gear for up to four persons at any given time.  Must have thick skin to apply, preferably leather, and owning armor is ideal.

COMPENSATION: No monetary compensation associated with this position.  No vacation or sick days, except for the possibility of 2-3 nights away from employers each year.  No company car or mileage reimbursement available.  Vision plan includes protective goggles that may be needed from time to time.  Dental benefits include mouth guard to curb teeth grinding.  Mental health benefits available on request, including in-patient treatment if needed.  Unlimited personal and emotional growth guaranteed.

So, do you work?